Understandings
by l0vetakesnoprisoners
Summary: "We are all mistaken sometimes; sometimes we do wrong things, things that have bad consequences. But it does not mean we are evil, or that we cannot be trusted ever afterward." ― Alison Croggon


A/N: I was on youtube and fanfics, and I saw that almost everyone blamed JJ for lying about Emily's death when Hotch and Emily both were in on it too. It confused me because a lot people still hold it against her, _just_ her. I get that she lied, but she wasn't the only one. Anyway, this was me trying to make sense of why people hate JJ for it. I don't know if I really like it. It's kind of rambling, but I hope that you enjoy it anyway. It's kind of cannon, except for the part about Will.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.**

* * *

No one understands.

Of course, people _say_ they understand. They say they forgive. That they forget, but she knows it isn't true. They don't truly understand. They move on as best they can, but they never forgive. They never forget. It's always there in their mind. How deep it's buried is their choice, but she knows it there. Always lurking. Waiting for a chance to rear its ugly head.

They don't trust her as much. They try to hide it, but she can tell. And she doesn't blame them. She wishes things could be different. She's fought so hard to get back to how things were before, but nothing has been the same.

Of course, it should be different. She's not the only one that lied, but she's the only one that they blame. They were too happy that Emily was back and she doubts that they believe it was Hotch's decision. It was and it wasn't, so she can see why they don't believe him. He made the final call, but it was she who put the idea in his head. She was the one to make the arrangements, give identities, visit one last time. She still had contact and a knowledge that no one knew about.

There's a level of distrust that will always be in place. And it kills her, but she accepts it. She would wish that she could change things, but she would never change the decision that she made that night. Never. It was a decision that saved a friend's life, and by default, the rest of the team. She knows that Doyle would come back for the team if Emily simply went into hiding.

He needed to believe that she was dead. In order to do that, she had to make sure that they believed she was dead. It was a lie that would haunt her forever. It literally changed everything.

The damage to her home life was beyond repair. As much as Emily was her friend, she was Will's as well. She was Henry's Aunt Emily. She was, _is_, a part of their family. When she told Will the truth, he was happy initially. A few days passed, and that all changed. He was angry. How could she lie to him? They were a couple, a unit, they told each other everything. How could she lie to their son? That anger never fully dissipated, but gave rise to distrust. If she lied about this, what else could she lie about? He didn't know much about her new job, but was what he knew all lies? Was she always lying? In the end, neither of them could live without the trust that they had. This lie severed their bond, and there was no fixing it.

Her relationship with Hotch changed as well. Not by their own design, but by those around them. Every time the two spoke privately, all eyes were on them. They were constantly observed by the team. Who knew what else they could have up their sleeves? They used to be the Batman and Robin of the team, but now every phrase uttered away from the team was met with prying ears. There was no more "special bond" between them. What remained was what everyone heard, knew, and were comfortable with.

She expected that Emily's relationship with her would be the most intact after everything was revealed. She was greatly mistaken. Everyone took to Emily like a duck to water, leaving her out to dry. Emily was back! She was alive and she was healthy, which is all that mattered to the team. No one cared about her part in the deception. The decision was made while she was in surgery, but she and Hotch had spoken about it. He'd given her an out, but she didn't take it. Because she knew that doing it was the best thing for the team and for herself until Doyle could be apprehended. For the first few weeks that Emily was back, she backed off, giving the team the necessary time to reconnect with Emily. After all, she had their regular Scrabble games that held her over. When she tried to return into the fold, she was met with resistance. Emily was booked almost constantly. Training with Morgan, shopping with Garcia, movie marathons with Spence, and whatever she did with Rossi. It wasn't Emily's fault. They didn't understand how lonely she was after Emily's return.

She expected animosity from Morgan. She was prepared for even Rossi to be a little hostile, but never him. Not Reid, not her Spence. They were the very best of friends. He was a very logical person. She expected him to be the first to see that what she did was the best. Logic doesn't factor in when you lose a friend. No matter how impermanent that loss was. To Reid, Emily was gone forever and when she came back, he was angry. No amount of logic could sway him otherwise. He shouldn't have been lied to, the whole team shouldn't have. He came to her crying for ten weeks. She didn't have the decency to tell him. What kind of friend was she? Not one that he needed. After a little push from Emily, he tried to repair their friendship, but she can still see the lurking fear, the doubt in her. It'll never go away, and she'll never have her friend completely back.

So no, the team say that they've forgiven her. They say that they've forgotten. But they don't. They don't understand. They don't understand the why.

She could explain it until she was blue in the face, but they can't understand. They were never in the position. How could she have lived with herself if she didn't tell Hotch that faking Emily's death was an option? Doyle would have been relentless. Emily was weak from their fight. She coded in the ambulance for god's sake. She could never take him on until she was fully recovered. She'd have protection, of course. But then again, so did Elle and Haley.

Even if the protection on Emily worked, Doyle would have went after the team. She would've been fine because she wasn't a part of the team then and overlooked by the man, but every waking moment would be hell for them. Who knew when Doyle would attack? Would he go after the whole team, or just individually? Who says that he'd stop at them, maybe he'd go for their families as well? Would he torture them for information on Emily, or torture them to draw her out of hiding and protection? She couldn't live with putting them all in danger like that.

She could barely live the with decision that she _did_ make. The only reason she got through it was because she was keeping Emily and the team out of danger, and possibly it was the only thing keeping them alive.

How could they think that she could go home every day, lying to her boyfriend and her baby boy, and think that she was okay with it? How could they think that she was okay with any of this? She had to comfort Reid every day for ten weeks. Ten weeks! She had to hold in this secret to a man who was her best friend. She'd do anything to stop his pain, but she couldn't.

This whole thing caused Emily to develop an ulcer, but it nearly drove her crazy. The team would never understand that. It was her decision. As the team saw it, she chose this. And in all honesty, she'd do it again to protect her family.

She's not sure why she's the only one who was blamed in this tale of treachery. She doesn't understand why she was singled out in all of this deceit, but she tries to take it all in stride. She willingly accepts the consequences of her actions.

She understands why they don't forgive her because she can't forgive herself.


End file.
